


Dead Dog Afternoon

by VampocalypseNow



Category: Fresh Meat (TV)
Genre: Bank Robbery, Gen, Post Season 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 09:46:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3063221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampocalypseNow/pseuds/VampocalypseNow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Oregon finds herself in charge of a tremendously in debt Students' Union, Vod comes up with a brilliant plan to make money, after a drunken viewing of 'Dog Day Afternoon'. And Howard, Candice, JP, Kingsley and Josie are all more than happy to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dead Dog Afternoon

Vod stared at the silent credits of _Dog Day Afternoon_ with intense interest, and eventually slapped the sleeping Oregon awake.

“We need to rob a bank.”

“What? Why?”

“To get money.”

“Why do we need— Oh, shit, I’m still president, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, banks have shittonnes of money, and they’re all insured. Victimless crime, innit?”

“I guess. It’s very anti-establishment, robbing a bank. It’s political, and practical!”

“Yeah, we can do it like in _Dog Day Afternoon_ , just run in at the end of the day, grab everything from the vault and run out.”

“ _Dog Day Afternoon_?”

“Yeah, I know things didn’t go great for them, but they were idiots. We aren’t.”

“That’s true, actually. It’s a simple two-man job.”

“You don’t think they’re prepared for that?”

The girls turned to look at Howard at his open bedroom doors.

“Are you listening in on a private conversation?”

“It’s in the communal area.”

“You aren’t,” said Vod.

“All right, so I realised that there was a whole world of romcom-style shenanigans going on just outside, and I don’t want to miss them. But, since people don’t tend to discuss that sort of thing in front of me, I just sit in here with the doors open and listen in.”

“And have you found any romcom shenanigans?”

“Not yet. But here is another, yet more intriguing, genre.”

“Are we just going to gloss over the spying?” said Oregon.

“Well, it’s Howard, innit?”

“So go on. Why won’t it work?”

“Your plan assumes they haven’t seen winner of the 1976 Best Original Screenplay Academy Award.”

“But you’re still up for robbing a bank?”

“Oh yeah. I just think you should be a bit more… original.”

Vod and Oregon exchanged looks. Cautiously, Vod ventured, “Did you have something in mind?”

Howard called into his room, “Candice, grab that tube labelled, ‘Bank 4!”

Oregon stared at him slack-jawed. “Has she been listening in on us too?”

“So you managed to accept my listening in, but you draw the line at her listening in?”

“I haven’t really accepted, I’ve just sort of moved on to the bigger issue.”

Candice handed him a poster tube. He popped it open and tipped out several sheets, including blueprints.

***

Oregon looked over the sheet detailing her role in the bank robbery.

“Why does this have my name on it?”

“Just a placeholder.”

Vod looked at Oregon’s sheet and back to hers. “Why does mine say JP?”

“I calculated that the four people most likely to be involved in a four-man bank job would be Oregon, JP, Sabine and myself. I haven’t updated for a while.”

“But if JP’s main purpose is getting guns, how can I just take his place?”

“We can just steal guns,” said Oregon. “JP’s not exactly the type to lock his guns up.”

“Just so long as he’s not involved.”

“Oh, God, yeah. The last thing we need is JP in the middle of this.”

“I knew it.” JP stood triumphantly at the head of the table. “You’re planning an orgy, aren’t you? Well, I’ve stumbled on your secret sex parties now, and if you don’t invite me in, I’m going to have to tell the Students’ Union that their president is having orgies. With Howard.”

Howard looked disgusted. “Please. Why would I be involved in an orgy?”

“He’s right,” said Vod. “Orgies are overrated.”

“Oh, right. So what could you possibly be planning that would involve three women and wouldn’t have me in it?”

“Bank robbery.” Everyone looked at Vod. “He’s gonna find out sooner or later. We’re planning a bank robbery in our living room.”

“Right, well, you need to let me join, or I’m going to tell whatever the English equivalent of the FBI is.”

“We’re trying to keep it small,” said Oregon.

“It was supposed to be a two-man job,” said Vod.

“Just the three of us, then. I have guns!” He ran off.

“We have to let him in.”

Howard sighed. “I’ll go get ‘Bank 5’.” He got up.

Vod looked to Oregon. “Why are you more likely to rob a bank than me?”

“I think it’s my adventurous spirit.”

“Right, Vod, since we now have JP in the group, you’ll have to take Kingsley’s place.”

“Why is Kingsley robbing banks and I’m not?”

“Why are you offended that I don’t consider you a bank robber?”

“I just think that if Oregon was robbing a bank, she’d ask for my help.”

“Oh, absolutely. And I did! Sort of.”

JP came in with two shotguns and a sword at his belt. “Right, Vod, you’ve already proven yourself with a gun.” He threw one of the guns and Vod caught it. “Oregon, you’re the weakest, so you’ll need a gun.” He threw the other gun. Oregon grabbed at it and it collided with the table. Everyone except Howard screamed, but the gun didn’t go off.

“You know they droptest guns.”

“These guns are pretty old, though,” said Candice.

“An excellent point. What’s wrong with you?”

“And, since you two have guns, I have this.” He drew the sword and swung it around. Everyone screamed this time. “So you two run in and shoot the cashiers, then I’ll follow and take the manager hostage until he hands over the dough. Then it’s champagne and strippers for all.”

“No,” said Vod. “This is all for the Union.”

“What, all of it? Then why am I even doing this?”

“We don’t want you doing this,” said Howard. “We’ve got the perfect four-man plan. All we need from you is guns, and we’ve got them.”

“Oh, you think you can just use me for my guns and then discard me like some kind of prossy? No, I’m a part of this now, and I’m not leaving.”

“Not leaving what?”

JP turned to Kingsley, and Josie behind him, and immediately announced, “Bank robbery.”

“Oh, wicked!” said Josie. “I wanna be a part of that.”

“Yeah, sounds like it could be interesting.”

“No you aren’t. This is a five-man job, and we don’t need two dead weights like you two.” JP indicated them with the sword.

“We know who you’re talking about,” said Kingsley. “You don’t need to point a sword at us.”

“I’m trying to keep you away from the planning area.”

“Right. It’s just the planning area also happens to be where the telly is, and is only metres away from where the food is.”

“Watch telly on your laptops. Get food from Tesco.”

“Both my laptop and my purse are in here,” said Josie. “In full view of a group of thieves, I now realise.”

“Don’t worry,” said Howard. “We are nowhere near that petty.”

“Yeah, we’ve checked your account,” said Vod, “and we can’t fund the Union with that.”

“You checked my account?”

“You should really shred your bank statements,” said Oregon.

“I should be able to trust my fucking housemates not to dig my bank statements out of the bin.”

“It was only the paper bin.”

“Not even a proper bin,” said Vod.

“Exactly. Just a big box of paper.”

“Wait,” said Kingsley, “are you seriously robbing the bank to fund the Students’ Union?”

“The Union’s in some serious debt, and it’s our responsibility.”

“Banks are where the money is,” said Vod. “Plus, it’s a statement.”

“So, basically, if we succeed, we get the money we need, and if we fail, we’re both heroes for robbing a bank, and now in prison.”

“And what can’t you do in prison?”

Josie and Kingsley looked at each other, until Kingsley said, “There’s quite a lot of things…”

“Run the Students’ Union!”

“So, either way, the debt is no longer our problem!” Oregon and Vod high fived over their win-win plan.

“Not that we will get caught,” said Howard, “so long as we stick religiously to the plan.”

“And you can’t adapt it for five people?”

“No! Fuck off.”

“Come on, Howard,” said Josie. “We’re your friends.”

“Look, maybe I could stretch it to fit another person in here, but only one, so you decide which.” Josie and Kingsley narrowed their eyes at each other. “But whatever your decision, you have to make it outside of this room.”

When they’d left, Candice turned to Howard and said, “Can’t we just use ‘Bank 7’? Or at least ‘Bank 6’?”

“Yes, we _could_ use another plan, or we could handily get rid of two loose cannons in one fell swoop.”

***

JP cradled one of the shotguns in the back of Oregon’s car. The plan had evolved from JP’s original one.

Candice squeezed his arm next to him. “Don’t worry, JP. Howard’s thought this all through.”

“I’m not worried. I have a gun. I’m just worried for you ladies. And for Howard. I’m the safest person here. Hang on…”

JP jumped out of the car and levelled a gun at the YUPPie couple about to enter the bank.

“What are you two doing here?”

“Jesus Christ,” screamed Kingsley. “What is your problem?”

“We’re just going to the bank, JP. Nothing incriminating.”

“Unlike hanging outside a bank with a shotgun.”

“Uh, I have a license for this. And there’s no law against being near a bank. You only have circumstantial evidence that I’m going to rob this bank.”

“Well,” said Josie, “we aren’t. We’re just going into the bank. Bye.” They went into the bank.

JP scowled and climbed back into the car. “Right, so apparently, our favourite ‘loose cannons’ thought it would be funny to show up at the bank at the exact same time as our robbery.”

“This changes nothing,” said Howard. He handed JP a duffel bag, which he tucked his gun into. Howard climbed out and tucked the sword, with its makeshift sheath, into his trouser leg. Oregon picked up the second duffel bag and everyone climbed out. Vod examined the back of Oregon’s jacket.

“Your jacket’s got your name on it.”

“Really? Shit.” She threw it into the car.

“This is a great start,” said JP. “Has everyone removed their name tags now?” The group pulled on their woolen hats and sunglasses, and tucked their snoods around their necks. “Right, let’s do this.”

They went in. JP, Howard and Candice went straight to the queue, while Vod and Oregon hung out by the manager’s office.

JP slapped Kingsley on the back of the head. “By the way, you have ruined our plan.”

“Well, I’m sorry about that, but some of us need money.”

“Yes, we know.”

“Just for the record,” said Howard, “you’ve fucked this completely. We had the timing perfect.”

“We don’t care much for the opinions of criminals,” said Josie, turning her back on them.

JP shook his head with disgust. “What a palaver.”

Two strangers with duffel bags now occupied the two bank desks. Both duffel bags revealed themselves to contain shotguns when they were unloaded into the cashiers. One of these new robbers ran off to the manager’s office. The other pulled his shotgun out of his bag and turned to the rest of the bank.

“Stay calm, everybody, we’re just robbing this place.”


End file.
